Jaq Greenspon
Live Remote
"...And the home of the brave. It's 2:30am. At this time, KCOR television leaves the air for a period of transmitter maintenance. We will return with our fine broadcasting schedule at 6:30 with Good Morning, Good Morning. Pleasant dreams."
Randy Charnock looks at the snow on his screen. His thoughts echo the black and white patterns that don't make any sense. What to do for the next four hours? Might as well sleep, he thinks, the only thing on is a rerun of Citizen Kane and Randy knows it better than Orson Welles.
He curls up on the sofa of his one room apartment. It is a hide-a-bed, but it has never been opened.
The television's hum sings him to sleep.
Randy Charnock's dreams are only interrupted once that night.
"...I've got nothing to say, but it's okay. Good Morning, Good Morning" The song fades out only to be replaced by the musical voices of the morning's hosts. Randy Charnock woke to the sound. He has never lost sleep wondering how this program acquired the rights to the classic Beatles' song. Until MTV, he had not heard of the Beatles.
Breakfast this day would have to wait until Chef Pierre comes out for his demonstration during the second half of the program. French toast. Randy likes the selection. He hasn't had french toast since the last time Chef Pierre was on. Randy has already assembled the ingredients on the counter in his kitchenette.
Randy loves his apartment. He rented it after seeing the commercial during an afternoon rerun of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. They were all reruns.
Randy Charnock watches more T.V. He eats, shits, and watches the game shows. Let's Make A Deal is his favorite. At two o'clock, Randy drives to work. At ten o'clock he returns home. Traffic wasn't bad. Dallas still has forty-five minutes left. Randy makes himself comfortable on his sofa. Friendly Fred's Fine Furniture had a television sale, "Just mention you saw it on the tube and we'll knock another 10% off our already low prices." Randy recited the entire ad. They gave him 12% off.
2:30am comes much too early for Randy. He has only switched channels twenty-seven times today. His record is forty-three, but there was a telethon on one station and the President on the other three so he says it doesn't really count. Most days.
Randy Charnock shuts his eyes and listens to the wonderful sound of the promise of a new day of programming. Static.
Then it happens. Again. As Randy's consciousness slips away, the high pitched screaming begins it's slow descent through his head. Randy lets it happen. It will be over soon. It is lasting longer than it should. The sound of mental brakes invade Randy's brain. Getting louder. Screeching. Louder. Sliding. Louder!
white out.
Randy opens his eyes. A drop of sweat drops into his right lens. Briefly it distorts the jumbled black and white of the screen into the image of Lucy.
Randy blinks. Lucy vanishes into the snowstorm. The liquid rolls down his cheek. It was the episode in the chocolate factory. Randy's favorite.
He wipes his forehead and stares at the twenty-five inch console. It does not do anything except rage it's incessant blizzard. Randy tries to go to sleep. He shuts his eyes and-
white out.
Twice? In the same night? And no warning this time.
Randy hears The Great One. He turns quickly toward the T.V. He sees vicious anarchy spread across the 546 square inch tundra.
"To the moon Alice, to the moon."
Randy Charnock does not understand. But for the first time, he falls asleep to the sound of The Honeymooners. The static of the television drowned out by the bellowing of Ralph Kramden.
6:30 comes and goes. Good Morning, Good Morning.
Good afternoon.
The phone rings and Randy wakes to answer it. Work wants to know where he is if he is feeling all right is he coming in does he need anything. Randy says he'll be in when he's supposed to be. Work tells him that was an hour ago and to just stay home and take it easy tomorrow is your day off so just take a long weekend. Randy says he is sorry and he'll make it up. Work is just glad to know he's okay. Randy tells his mother he loves her and hangs up.
Before his eyes open, Randy listens to the evening news.
"Today in Boston, we experienced a-"
Boston? Randy looks at the screen. He sees a weather forecaster predicting rain for the greater Boston area.
Randy opens his eyes. Tom is chasing Jerry around the set of Wheel of Fortune. Randy covers his face with his hands. A Brazilian soccer match. Pelé passes to Vanna. An announcer describes the number of people killed and the fabulous prizes to be won.
Randy Charnock goes network.
Randy Charnock thinks he has died and gone to heaven. He hasn't. On his screen, Alex Trebek is shot to death by J.R. Ewing. Randy is glad. He does not like Jeopardy, although he isn't bad at Classic Concentration. Randy can remember where things are. The television shows African Tribesman landing on the Moon. 4:00 o'clock. Randy wants to watch Family Ties, in rerun of course. Randy Charnock thinks. He remembers where KCOR is. Randy concentrates. The inside of his eyelids come alive with Mallory talking to Mr. Ed. Concentrate. Mr. Keaton. That's it.
Commercial. Randy Charnock lets his focus slip. He doesn't care about killing roaches with cigarettes. Randy scans.
"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Remember, this is only a test"
white out.
Randy Charnock screams.
White Out.
ten seconds.
White Out!
Twenty seconds.
WHITE OUT!
"What you just heard was a test. If this had been a real emergency-"
Switch channels.
"-you'd buy Sure"
Commercial.
Randy Charnock hurts. He searches for Family Pains. Alex Seaver is going through mid-life pregnancy.
Randy lies back and stares at the roof. His acoustic ceiling is showing the Playboy Channel. Randy blinks. Concentrates.
Randy finds the show. Both shows. His left eye is watching Family Ties, his right eye, Growing Pains.
Randy Charnock starts to understand. He scans the television, introducing shows to the ones he's watching. Bob Barker is on in Texas there's a weather report coming in from a New Zealand Days of our Lives is Slow Down.
Concentrate.
Organize.
Remember.
Watch. and watch.
Randy Charnock's vision is multiplied. His Television looks like a fly-vision glass with a different program on each facet.
Randy Charnock has gone satellite.
Good Morning, Good Morning. Randy is still awake. He hears the morning show's familiar theme music from outside his vision.
Scan.
Lock on.
2:30am. Randy Charnock has a new record. He has physically switched his television set one hundred thirteen times. Randy smiles. Each channel opens a new set of Programs for viewing. Randy has watched over a thousand sit-coms, talk shows, game shows.
Randy is hungry. Somewhere, Kraft Magic Moments shows how to make a cheese log. Randy watches. He walks into the Cleaver's-his kitchen. Randy continues watching.
Randy eats. Cheese drips onto the linoleum floor. Clair Huxtable admonishes him but cleans it herself.
Randy digests. He makes his way into the bathroom. The mirror over the toilette reflects the Pacific Princess aground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle. Randy sits. The mirror on the back of the door is presenting the same show. Gilligan asks Isaac for a drink. Gopher and the Professor discuss politics while Doc tries to bed Ginger and Mary-Ann. Randy sighs. Feels better. He flushes. The Tidy Bowl Man drowns in the whirlpool.
Randy Charnock looks at himself in the mirror. Skipper Stubing stares back. Concentrate. Randy Charnock stares back. He looks haggard, older than his twenty odd years. And his eyes are gone, replaced by wires and picture tubes.
Start (concentrate) over.
Chin: covered with stubble, needs a Remington. Closer than a blade or my money back.
Mouth: smiling.
Teeth: whiteness you can see.
Nose: large.
Eyes: magnavox screens.
Hair: dry, lifeless. Need Johnson's Baby Shampoo, can't cry.
Randy looks again. Everything is the same. Normal. He bathes, singing along with MTV.
Randy sleeps. His dreams are those of his Television.
"Dominoes Pizza delivers"
Randy wakes with a craving for pepperoni. The telephone is preprogrammed and the clerk knows his voice. The twelve inch pie with beverage is on the way.
Randy is watching Television when the pizza arrives.
The pizza man stands in front of the door. He sets down the two drinks in order to knock.
Randy watches Bugs (the arm come up in front of the door) Bunny.
The pizza man knocks.
The front of Randy's door overtakes his vision. Bugs is gone. Everything is gone. Randy thinks about the tip he's going to get. Give. His hand knocks on his door once again. Randy answers it.
Finally. Randy hands Randy the pizza. Randy looks at the pizza man. Randy looks at himself through the pizza man's eyes. He looks puzzled. Randy shuts the door and the pizza man walks away. Randy stays with him for a few seconds, down the hall, until "--wascally wabbit." Bugs is back. So are Randy's other channels.
Randy watches and eats. Watches. The pizza vanishes in a matter of hours.
Scan.
Four episodes of Mash are playing.
Scan.
Dr. Johnny Fever is giving advice to Burt Campbell.
Scan.
The Evening News is on.
Lock.
Evening news? Randy's clock reads (concentrate) 6:30pm.
Randy wonders where 4 o'clock went.
The phone rings.
Work wants to know if Randy is going to be in today Randy says tomorrow and work tells him that he's had two days off and they hope he feels better but they really need him to come in today because of the big magnavox television sale Randy says he'll be in in a little while anyway what time is it work answers 8:40am on Sunday and the doors open at ten so could you get here by 9:30 so we can set up the extra tv's and show the customers what great reception they can get when they use the new multi-channel features of the new nineteen inch screen Randy says he'll be in work thanks him Randy tells his father he loves him and hangs up.
Randy Charnock wonders where Saturday went.
Randy gets into his car. The inside of the windshield is reflecting a heavy rainstorm. The weatherman describes the situation in Costa Rico. Randy walks to work.
Work isn't open when Randy gets there. They unlock the door and let him in. Randy walks onto the showroom floor and sees his Television.
Hundreds of monitors are set up. Hundreds of monitors are showing hundreds of programs. Some are split screen to show more than one.
Randy turns away.
Hundreds of monitors turn with him.
Randy shuts his eyes.
Hundreds of monitors invade the inside of his lids.
Randy Charnock begins to understand.
Scan.
Watch.
Scan. Lock.
Randy sees a man holding his eyes. Behind him are hundreds of monitors. Randy has never seen this show before. He is concerned for this man. Randy walks to him and asks him what's wrong.
Randy hears the words echo in his ears. Randy removes his hands from his eyes and looks. He watches himself open his eyes. He is watching himself watch himself watch himself watch himself.
Video feedback.
Concentrate.
Randy turns away.
Concentrate.
Randy opens his eyes.
Hundreds of monitors.
Switch channels.
Hundreds of monitors. The same monitors. Real monitors.
Are you ready to open work asks him or do you want to go home you don't look very good.
Randy is ready to open.
Work opens it's doors and the people arrive. Hundreds of monitors. Hundreds of people.
white out.
Randy watches his eyes open from hundreds of perspectives. All looking down.
Switch Channels.
randy charnock.
Scan.
Randy Charnock.
Search.
RANDY CHARNOCK.
Concentrate.
A phone. Not Randy Charnock. Randy watches his hand pick up the receiver and dial 911. He hears himself ask for an ambulance, tell about what happened and give directions. He thanks them and turns to look at the victim. Randy Charnock.
Randy screams.
The ambulance arrives. Randy watches as the paramedics come closer. He strains as he lifts himself onto the gurney. He tries to complain when he straps himself in to tight, cutting off the circulation in his arms. He hears himself tell work that Randy'll be just fine as he closes the door on the ambulance rolls around on the gurney and walks to the drivers seat. He turns the ignition while he climbs into the passenger seat. As he drives away he looks back at himself immobile on the cot. He turns on the siren and moves to the right in order to avoid the ambulance behind him.
Concentrate.
Find Bugs.
Randy tilts his head to look at the driver of the ambulance. He sees the road ahead of them. He glances back at the guy they picked up, Charnock. Randy wonders what's wrong with him.
Them.
Everyone.
Scan.
-watching the flashing lights when I get off work get gas the football game who's in the ambulance I'm late is that a police siren I've got to pee maybe I'll get lucky do you think my parents want some to a movie why won't he let me pass-
Randy sees the road from thousands of eyes all thinking at once. Randy's head hurts.
Excedrin, just what the doctor ordered extra buffered strength aspirin free aspirin in new easy to swallow coated liquid cherry flavor.
Randy hasn't stopped screaming.
Randy open his eyes.
Nothing.
Randy blinks.
White.
Randy looks around.
White.
White.
White.
People.
Randy stops. People are looking at him. He sees them. They see him. He doesn't see him. They are sitting behind a glass wall, listening to someone. Randy can't hear.
Scan.
Nothing.
Search.
Nothing.
Concentrate. Randy walks to the wall. He listens. He hardly hears a man talking about television. His Television. The man talks about reception and what can block it. Why you have static on the car radio when you go under a bridge.
Randy looks at the people. They are listening to the man and watching Randy. Randy walks into the white. The padded white.
Randy Charnock begins to laugh.
He laughs as the black stitching in the walls becomes darker.
He laughs at the people watching him.
He laughs as the dark black jumps off the wall and bounces around the room.
He laughs as his world is enveloped in a wonderful nothingness.
Static.
Sweet, beautiful Static.