
It always happened in some cityscape I had cobbled together
from movies, crime shows on TV,
Grainy photos in the New York Daily News we‘d get on Sundays,
Though it wasn’t from there I needed deliverance,
But from small town cruelties,
From “sissy” and “fairy” and “brownnoser.”
Bullied in the street
I would cower there
Or bat ineffectually at my tormentors.
Then he would appear,
Without fanfare,
Simple,
Confident,
Tender --
And man enough to carry that off --
Muscular of course.
He wouldn’t bother to address or disperse my tormentors,
But gather me into his arms
Carry me up the stoop
Into the cool dark of the building
And upstairs to a sunny front room
Where he’d place me on a cot
Pull up a chair
Take my hand
Stay with me
Keep watch over me
Savior, friend.
I sought images of him
In the physique pictorials of the time:
(The word “physique” can still create a ripple of desire.)
Beautiful the only way a man could be beautiful:
Naked.
Failing that, in the briefest of posing straps,
Pointing to what they concealed.
(How had those slim volumes
Found their way to the news dealer’s rack
In our small town?
A mystery,
A blessing in itself.)
I knew enough to be furtive in my purchase
When the old maid clerk tried to catch my eye,
But I was bold too:
To pluck it from the rack
To carry it to the register
To take it home
Concealed beneath my jacket
Down the street and around the corner
Up the steps
Through the front door
To the second floor
To my room
To hook the latch
To hide it under a corner of the rug
Until it was safe to take it from its hiding place
Until there was time to savor it,
To open the pages gingerly,
So as not to crease them,
To keep them pristine,
To pore over them,
To devour them:
You!
Or you!
Or you!
Here!
Over here!
Here I am!
Look for me!
Find me!
Here!
Over here!
I’m here!
DELIVERANCE
© 2008 by Frank Kelly
Issue XXVI
Stonewall
Dedicated to E. Lynn Harris (1955-2009)
and those who serve America's defense in silence,
painfully unasked, yet untold
Volume Four, Number Six
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